My friends and I spend a fair amount of time talking about sex. We always have. During long lazy summer days at the beach (ruining our skin for middle age), we’d discuss the men we knew in detail. One was tall with giant hips. We decided the hips meant he was “hung like a donkey”. One spent so much time lifting weights to get “big” we were sure he wasn’t hung at all.
We mused about which ones we’d have sex with. So and so “is married but never flirts. That’s a turn on”. So and so “is super funny but seriously needs to lose weight”. So and so was probably “nasty”. We decided who had already had sex in the office after hours or during hours and who was going to. One friend already had and I was hoping.
We’ve discussed oral sex, anal sex, hetero sex, same sex sex, married, single, and sex by yourself sex. I’ve got friends who are swingers and friends who still can’t turn the lights on when they’re naked. In case I haven’t been clear…. I know a LOT about the sex lives of my friends and some of their friends who I don’t know and a few random female acquaintances met at parties.
Therefore when I make this next statement consider me something of an expert. Sex changes for women in middle age. It changes faster and in different ways than it does for men. Most women don’t know how to talk to their partner about it and most men don’t know anything about it at all.
It isn’t all about menopause either. It’s also about the health of the relationship, body image, energy level, and boredom. Yes… boredom. By the time you reach middle age you’ve had a lot of sex. Sometimes it’s all been with the same person. Not long ago a woman nearing her 80th birthday and married to the same man all her adult life told me “I regret not having had sex with more men”.
The other day it occurred to me that if men spent as much time reading things designed to make their relationship better as women do; then more middle aged women would be having better sex and more of it. If you do a quick review of online magazines for women they all have a tab somewhere that says “relationships” or something like it. Men’s magazines have a tab that says “girls”. And yes, it’s pictures of beautiful girls.
In case my husband reads this (unlikely since it’s a “girl thing”) I better quantify that “I” am not a middle aged woman in a dry spell. I married late in life, had learned what I wanted and had no fear expressing myself. Plus, my husband and I are both talkers. The kind who are able to listen while our mouths are moving. We talk so much that in twelve years neither of us has ever said “we need to talk about something”. It works for us and works for sex. Which is a good thing, because he won’t read this blog and he certainly won’t click on the “relationships” tab on the internet.
If it weren’t a girl thing, if men read this blog… which they won’t. I’d tell them “do some reading”. It’s all out there. Do a little research. Read about menopause, read about women’s sexuality. Read the things your wife is reading and talk about it. Watch Oprah! She did an awesome segment on women and sex. Being interested in what women care about sexually (centerfolds turn ons don’t count) will for sure get you laid more than complaining about how you don’t get enough sex. Instead of your wife or partner doing all the work and research then having to take the emotional risk of being the one to bring it up. Do a little educating yourself. Help a girl out for god’s sake.
But men don’t read this blog.